Roys Pepsi
by slinko
Summary: What happens when Ed won't listen to Roy rant about Pepsi? And then Roy is killed and Ed feels guilty about it. But he must shut the hell up about guilt and save the world from the fanta lord for he is the next PEPSI JEDI! warning: contains soy products
1. Roy ponders the pepsi

**Disclaimer: It was proven true that koga is indeed hot. Oh and i don't own FMA. Or Pepsi or Sprite...Did you know that sprite os actually a product of the coco-cola comapany? Interesting huh?  
**

**

* * *

**

Roy Mustang was sitting in his office 'doing' paperwork. To tell the truth, he was doodling pictures on it all. Roy sighed. He was thirsty. He opened up his desk and pressed a small green button labeled 'fun'. At once, Pandas in bikinis began to march out from a hole in roys desk and began to do the congo around a jacuzzi.

" Pandas! Bring me a soda!" Roy demanded. All the pandas ran back into Roys desk except for one which then took out two bottles of soda. Pepsi, and Sprite. Roy sighed. He was out of whisky.

Roy thought for a moment and then decided. " I'll take Pepsi." He said.

The panda ran up to him, gave him a pepsi and ran back under the desk. Roy opened the Pepsi and a Sssshiiissssss sound came out. Roy began to drink the pepsi.

He stopped drinking it, set it aside and began to do his paperwork again. He did his paperwork for about three minutes, and then returned to his faithful Pepsi.

Two minutes passed and once again, Roy returned to drink Pepsi.

Eventually, Roy Asked for another Pepsi from his wonderful pandas. Soon, there were five pepsi cans on his desk. And seven...And nine...Roy began to spin his chair and drink pepsi. He then got up and threw out the all the cans except for the one he was drinking out of right now.

Roy finished his Pepsi and began to look at his can in wonderment. He began to think about philosophy. He pciked up his phone and called the fuhrer.

" Fuher, please send Edward Elric down to my office at once." Roy said.

" Okay dokie Colonel Mustang! Oh, and by the way, I am NOT an evil homoculus." Pride replied.

Roy hung up. So did Pride. In about ten minutes, Edward elric was in Roys office.

" What do you want Colonel Bastard?" Ed asked.

" Well, shorty, I need to speak with you about this Pepsi can."

Ed lifted an eyebrow. " What? Have I been littering? Oh I'm soooo sorry! Boo-hoo! Cry cry!"

Roy looked angry. Ed looked short. Pepsi looked tasty. The chapter looked over.


	2. SHAKE IT!

Discalimer: **Maes hughes was proclaimed dead last march. And the march hare went mad last march. Oh, and i don't own FMA or pepsi.**

Well...the line thing won't pop up...so here's my own custom made line!---------------------------------------------------------------------  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Roy Mustang held up the can of pepsi. Ed sighed. He could tell that Mustang was about to go on some stupid rant about littering or money or some kinda crap like that and blah blah blah.

" Pepsi cans, Edward, have infinite uses. Such as, Smashing it and crinkling it for pointless fun." Roy said as he smashed and crinkled an empty can of pepsi.

Ed lifted an eyebrow. He cleared his throat and asked, " Are you feeling okay?"

Roy smiled a Royish smirk. " Yes, I'm feeling fine. Here, you try and smash the can into the smallest shape possible." Roy said as he reached into the garbage can and took out an empty can of Pepsi and threw it to Ed.

Ed caught the can , paused for a few seconds, and then smashed it with his automail arm. It was very small now.

" That was a good one. You got it very small." Said Roy as he took out another can.

Eds eyes were in danger of dissapperaing into his hair.oh no! Poor edward! Poor edward with a capital E! What was WRONG with the colonel? Pepsi cans weren't THAT useful...Where they?

Roy set the pepsi can on his desk and looked up at Ed.

" Another great use for the Pepsi can, Edward, Is putting assorted small objects, like beads, inside of it and shaking it around. This can prove to be fun for you, and annoying for other people." Roy said as he put some pebbles and whatnot into the papsi can and taped it shut.

Roy began to shake the can. He was right . It made a very annyoing sound indeed. Roy threw it to Ed. It bounced off of Eds head and landed in his hands.

" Shake it." Said Roy. Ed took this the wrong way and began to shake that thang! Shake shake shaking it!

At Eds amazing ability to SHAKE IT , pandas began to march out from under Roys desk and shake their booties.

Roy brought order to his pandas immedietly and Told Ed to shake the PEPSI CAN, not his can.

Ed Shook the can. It was fun! Colonel shithead was right! It was indeed very fun!

Roy took out another can and placed it on his desk.

" The third use for a pepsi can, is to fill it up with whiskey." Roy said as he took out a bottle of whisky and poured it in the can.

Ed lifted an eyebrow and decided to later clean his socks.

" Why would you put whisky in a pepsi can?" EDWARD ASKED EVILY! MWAHAHA oh...

Roy smirked a royish smirk. " So you can sneak whisky into your office of course!" Roy exclaimed as he took a large swig of the whisky that he normally kept in his desk.

Ed sighed. " I'm a MINOR. I'm not alowwed to drink whisky."

Roy lifted his eyebrows. " So?" Roy asked as he threw Ed the pepsi can that was filled with whisky.

Ed smiled. Maybe the colonel wasn't such a shithead after all.


	3. Ed the gay three year old

**Mwahahahaha! disclaimer of doooom: meerp! I do not not not not not not not own fma.**

* * *

Ed drank the whisky and threw it aside. Roy took out another empty can of pepsi. 

" And now edward, let me tell you a little story. Once upon a time there was a little boy, quite like yourself, who loved soda more than anything in the world. His name was data! Ya know? Data from star trek! Data! Data loved soda sooo much! But, being an android, he couldn't enjoy it very well. So one day he set off on a journey to become human! However, on that journey, he was robbed and murdered! The end!" Exclaimed Roy as he clapped his hands together cheerfully. Ed lifted an eyebrow. What was up with the colonel today?

" Do you know the moral of the story Edward?" asked Roy. Ed shook his head slowely.

" It had no moral..."

" Of course it did edward! Didn't you see the moral? You didn't? Well, The moral is, "If at first you don't succeed, comitt suiicide!" proclaimed roy happily. Ed lifted an eyebrow. W...T...F?

" And, the best way to commit suicide...is to satb yourself to death with a pepsi can." Said Roy as he smashed the pepsi can into a lumpy knife shape,"See Edward?"

"Yeah. Sure whatever. Can I go now?" He asked. Roy suddenly regained all serioisness.

" Actally. No. We must speak about...Shou Tucker." Roy said, being totally serioius.

"Why?"

"Because I feel like it Edward." Said Roy, totally dropping all seriousness.

Ed sighed. Stupid colonel.

" Now Edward, I need to ask you a few questions about what you saw at the 5th laboratory." Said Roy taking out a sheet of paper.

" okay, fine. Ask away."

" Alright, Let us for one moment, assume that you are a dishonest man Mr.Bialiselric." roy said smiling a bit.

" Assume away."

Roy smirked.

" okay anyways, you now must stop being a dishonest man and you must answer all these questions honestly. I'm being honset here. Do you honestly undersatnd? After all you are know an honest man. You should choose to be very honest right now...Isn't honest a wierd word?"

Ed thought for a moment...wait what?

" um...yes?" guessed edo-kun. Roy smirked and wrote something down.

" At the laboratory, how many guards were there?" roy asked.

" well...three armour guards, and one normal guard...but I don't think he was in the anime...just the manga...volume three come to think of it...Yes, and barry the chopper chopped his head in half i beilieve." answered ed.

Roy nodded." Was shou tucker performing illegle alchemy?"

" Yes."

" Was there large traces of red water there?"

"yes."

" Was tucker a chimera thing?"

" Yes."

" Where there prisoners there?"

"Yes."

"where three homunculus discovered there?"

" Yes."

" Are you gay?"

"yes. I mean no! You lousy bastard! You did that on purpose!"

" So? That doesn't make it any less funny."

Ed grumbled something about bastards, crossed his arms, and made a fwony, pouty face.

" Anyways, How many homunculus were there?"

" Three."

" How many armour guards were there?"

" Three."

" How many major explosions were there?"

" Three."

" How old are you?"

" three. AGGGGH! I HATE YOU! I'M SIXTEEN AND YOU KNOW IT!" yelled Ed. Roy just smirked.

" We still have some more questions Edward. Anyways, was Kimblee there?"

" yeah."

" Did he have a wierd lookin' blond woman with him?"

" Sure. whatever."

" Was basque gran there?"

" Well, he was actually Envy disguised as him."

" Did he have a pepsi can?"

" No."

" Good. That's all I need to know." said Roy as he pulled on a cool lookin' trenchcoat, a black hat and headed out the door.

" Oh and Edward, stay here. Don't leave." Said Roy as he walked out the door.

Once Roy was gone, Ed rolled his eyes.

" Pfft. Like I'm gonna saty here!" He said to himself, and he walked over to the door and was about to open it when...

A blue light shone through the cracks. An alchmic reaction clearly.

" Dammit!" Ed swore. Roy had clearly just made the door Shortie proof. Now ed was stuck in here!

* * *

**A/N: How'd you like it? Was it good? I know it got a bit of topic but...that's ok right? reveiw...now...**


	4. fanta vs pepsi

**Disclaimer: I plan to update every single one of my fanfics in the next mounth! That's actually a very big thing for me. yay. Hey guess what? I own nothing!**

* * *

Ed looked around Roys office. Ugh! It was so boring! And why was Roy talking about pepsi cans all of a sudden? Was he drunk? Ed shook his head. He didn't wanna think about that. Ed walked over to roys desk and sat down in his chair. He saw a small green button on the underside of the desk. Ed lifted an eyebrow and pressed it. Almost immedietly, a disco ball came outta the celling, a jacuzzi spurted out of the floor, the rolling stones ran out of the bookcase, and the desk turned into a bar It was Roys rumnored instant party button! WooooOO! 

Meanwhile at Roy...

Roy broke the door of a house down. Insaide, a group of people were playing cards and drinking beer. Roy walked up to one of them. He picked them up by their shirt and slammed them against the wall. The person smirked and transformed into Envy.

" So you've found me colonel eh? I'll admit, you're a clever fella' but I am onesong05's favortie Fma charecter!" Envy bragged. Roy smirked.

"Slinko is writing this. Not onesong05. And I am slinko's favorite fma charecter!" roy said.

Envy scowled and took out a fanta. Roy screamed and backed away, dropping envy to the floor. The fanta! It pained him! Roy took out a can of pepsi and fought back! They both opened up their cans and energy beams came out, much like lightsabers. They began to duel with the sabers. Envy was sweating intensly. Well, actually it was just make-up. It looked better on screen if the charaecters were sweating. And then...

The other 6 sins burst in through the wall! They were all wearing vibrantly colored clothes and they were all carrying fantas. Roy gasped. The sins all turned their fantasabers on and began to attack Roy. Roys eyes bugged out and, with the power of mentos and pepsi, flew into the air. Harriet, if you reveiw saying anything about edwards balomi i will hit you.

Roy flew away powered by his pepsi jet packet. He flew back to his office, kicked eds ass outta his chair, and turned off the party. The rolling stones were bummed.

"where were we edward? Ah yes, the pepsi can also has another use. And that is-"

"WHAT? YOU WERE JUST BATTLE THE HOMONCULI AND THE FANTAS AND YOU ACT LIKE NONE OF IT EVER HAPPEND!.?" yelled edward. Roy yawned and took out a notepad. He wrote something down.

" Thursday I will play poker with Lyla and Lazurus." He mumbled. He then put the notepad away.

" Where were we? Ah yes. Anyways, another use for pepsi is as a hat." Roy said putting the pepsi can on his head.

Edward nearly exploded with confusion. Or was that gas? oh well.

" what? !! A HAT?! A FREAKIN' HAT!.?" he exclaimed. Roy looked offended.

"Yes Ed. A hat. It's actually quite enjoyable. Here you try." Roy sais as he threw ed a can. Ed batted it away.

"NO! I DON'T WANNA LEARN ABOUT PEPSI! I WANNA SEARCH FOR THE STONE! I WANNA!" Edward cried.

" Nobody,"said Roscuro,"cares what you want"

And then Roscuro dissapered. I'm sorry.

" Ed...Pepsi cans can also be used as philosphers stones." Said roy looked like an uninterested armidillo.

Ed pratically jumped onto the desk.

"Telll meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

" Well...okay."

* * *

**Ahhh...i just relized how fun it is to update. I'm gonna go update s'more fics!**

**Review!Or eat walrus meat! whichever comes first.**


	5. Havoc and stuff

**disclaimer: i hate the winter. **

* * *

Ed jumped up onto roys desk and began to violently shake him. 

" WHAT IS THE SECRET TO THE AMAZING PEPSI STONE THINGY!.?" he screamed. Roy glanced back and forth.

"Ummm...the secret to the stone isssss...uh...i am about to tell you...NOW! Okaaaaayyyy thhhheeeee sseeecccrreettt issss..." said roy slowly.

Ed truned red with fury!

"ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU MADE UP THAT WHOLE THING ABOUT THE PEPSI BEING THE PHILOSOPHERS STONE AND OBEYTHESNARF NEEDS TO UPDATE BALD EAGLE?.!" ed yelled in roys face. Roy sweatdropped.

"No...I mean...no i never said that i was just-OMG! LOOK OVER THERE!" roy said and he pointed um...over there. Ed turned around.

"Where? Where?.! I don't see anything!" said ed running over 'there'. Roy then sneaked up behind ed and...

BAM! Roy knocked Ed out.

" Thanks gaz. He was really-" bagan roy, but then he screamed and writhed on the floor. Roy then stood up. He was finished acting out iNVADER ZiM and now he was going to..umm...go battle the homonculi somemore. Roy shoved Ed into a closet, grapped some pepsi, and ran outta his office, down the hall, up the stairs, into the elevator, out of the elevator, down the hall, to the left, into another hall, down the hall, up the stairs, to the right, to the left, to the right again, up another flight of stairs, into the fuhrers office, and up to the fuhrer.

" PRiDE! I've got something i wanna discuss with ya!" Roy screamed at Pride. Pride frowned and put away his barbies.

" Colonel, you know i don't like it when you interuppt me and my barbies." pride answered. Roy grimaced.

" To hell with barbies! I know that you're a homunculus! I can't prove it but i'm onto you! Let this be our battleground!" Roy said seriosly.

" Let this be our battleground? Okay. whatever."

Roy whipped out his pepsi saber and pride pulled out his fanta saber. They began to battle.

" Join the fanta side Mustang." Pride said.

" NEVER! i will never stray from the teachings of...PEPSi!" Roy yelled.

" Very well. Then i shall have to kill you." Pride said, and he was about to stab Roy when...

HAVOC RAN IN AND SAVED THE DAY! Havoc pulled out his special Barqs Root beer saber. It was his specialty. Nobody was better with the rootbeer saber than he was. Bwahahhaahahahaha! E-hem.

Havoc and Roy began to duke it out with Pride. Havoc cut off his arm. It respawned immedietly. Havoc gasped.

" So...it's true then...You really ARE a homonculus. Well then, I gues that there's really only one way to defeat you..."

" A DANCE DANCE REVELUTION COMPETION!" screeched havoc joyfully. Suddenly, there was a huge, widescreen tv, two DDr mats, and an AMAZINGLY large audience. The audience cheered, booed, and generally went insane. Havoc stepped up onto his DDR mat. Pride stepped onto his. Roy picked up a microphone.

" Hello everyone. We're here to witness the biggest DDR competition since Ed challenged that hippo-man! Woo-hoo!" Roy said and he pulled out a remote, pressed the power button, and the TVs turned on.

Ed selected a song (No. I'm not going to tell you which song. HA!) anywho, he selected a song and pressed the go or start or whatever the damned button is called. The screen appeared, and the music began.

" Lets get ready to daaaaannnce!" Roy yelled into the microphone.

* * *

**Who here thinks i'm awesome? Everyone? Everyone? Good. I thought so. **


	6. umi like pepsi

**Disclaimer: Peter Parker was just an average boy, leading an average life, going to an average school, until one day..._he exploded._**

**I own nuthin'**

* * *

Meanwhile back at Edward Elric... 

Ed woke up and sat up. He bumped his head. He looked around. Dark. Very very dark. And small. Ed rubbed his head. He stood up and opened up a door. Instantly, light poured in from roys office. Ed stepped out of the closet and saw pepsi cans littering the floor.

_"Where AM I? I''m not stuck in another Roy X Ed fic again? I sure hope not." _He thought. And then the memory came rushing back to him. Roy was babbling about pepsi and crap. Ed sighed and walked over to the door. He tried to open it andddd...

It actually opened! wow! I bet you thought I was gonna say that it didn't open didn't ya? Huh? HUH? **HUH?.! ANSWER THE QUESTION!** e-hem.

Ed smirked. Roy had forgotten to put up his anti-shorty sheild. Ed stepped out of the office and began to walk around centrel looking for Alphonse.

"Where did you get off to Al? My gawd, I never thought that finding a suit of armour would be this difficult." Ed said to himself. Just then, Slinko began to feel very sad. She began to wonder if people actually did like how she wrote things...were the reveiwers hiding something from her? Slinko was propelled out the window by her own awesome grief. And then she got over it and began to type the rest of the chapter.

Ed strolled around central looking for Al for a good ten minutes, until he saw some really ugly fatty guy.

"Hey, Breda. Have you seen Al? I can't find him." Edo-kun said. Breda shrugged and took another bite of his sandwhich. Ed sighed and sat on a bench that materialized right there.

" Y'know Breda, I barely know you...But right now, you're the only person I can talk to." Ed said. Breda glanced back and forth, then slowly nodded in a confused manner.

" Yeah. So, here I was, on the verge of finding the stone... when ALL OF A SUDDEN, roy tells me to come to his office. Now, when I'm walking there, I feel like a little kid going to the principals office. You know how it feels. You don't know if the principal is gonna praise you or holler at you. (hey, I haven't updated this document for a while! I wonder when I'll finish it...) So anyways, I get to Roys officice and knock on the door, well, quite frankly, you know how he is about people knocking on his door. He doesn't like it for some strange reason. Anywho, I hear some muffeled swearing and then...Oh just read the fanfic." Said Edward. Breda lifted an eyebrow.

"What Fanfic...?" He asked. Edward looked at him in a confused manner.

"You mean...You don't know?" Ed asked. Breda shook his head. Ed put his hand on bredas shoulder.

"Oh you poor doomed child." He said.

* * *

Meanwhile back at the DDR competiton... 

Roy gasped for breath. Pride smirked and tried to hide his exahustion. They were both on the tenth song and getting tired. Roy almost collapsed from exahustion. Pride needed something to drink.

"_what's the point? i can't win against a homunculus anyways. Oh god, why did I have to become a pepsi jedi? WHY? I wish i could just stop this stupid contest." _thought Roy.

_"when will the other homunculus arrive? I need back up!" _thought pride.

The audicence started to chant.

"GO GO GRYFFINDOR! GO GO GRYFFINDOR!" they shouted. Roy lifted an eyebrow. Gryffindor? What?

* * *

_**INTERMISSION!!!!**_

that's right. Intermission. Go to the bathrrom, eat some corn, ride a moose. I don't care. But right now I'm gonna go get some breakfast!

---time passes---

Okay well I couldn't find any breakfast so um...back to the story.

* * *

Roy gave up. He couldn't win against a homunculus. Roy stumbled and fell to the ground. The audience gasped. Roy slowly closed his eyes and almost drifted away into peaceful slumber, but he had a flashback. 

_Roy was standing in front of a man. The man had a sprite saber in his right hand and a soda jedi outfit on. _

_"Young Mustang, you will be taught in the ways of the soda. You alone can control the awesome power of the anicent beverage." he said. Roy lifted an eyebrow._

_"What are you talking about? Who ARE you?" a young 10 year old roy asked. I was born in dusseldorf and that is why they call me rolf._

_"I, young mustang, am named Mountain-oki dewi. I will be your mentor. But, eventually, you're skills will surpass me." said Mountain...um..lets call him dewi. _

_"Huh? What're you talking about? What does surpass mean? What was your first nmae again? What size show do you wear?" pondered. _

_"You, are the fabled one. The one who will stop the reign of terror coming from the dark side of the soda. You...ARE THE PEPSI JEDI!!!!!!" Said Dewi. Luke skywalker is a wuss. _

_" I...I'm the pepsi jedi? What IS the pepsi jedi?" asked roy. Dewi smirked._

_"That...is what I shall teach you." _

_

* * *

_

**BUM BUM BUUUUUUMMM! **

**corn is educational.**


	7. the fall and rise of a jedi

**Red pill or blue pill? Only YOU can decide! **

**disclaimer: I can't dance. No, really. I suck at dancing. Pity me and my non-exsistent dancing abilities. I also suck at owning fma.  
**

* * *

Roy opened his eyes. He couldn't fail his master, Dewi. He needed to win. Roy dragged himself back to the DDR mat. He haden't lost to many points yet. Maybe he could still win. Roy struggled to his feet and weakly began to play DDR. Pride laughed loudly. 

"Ha! You can never hope to defeat me! I'm immortal! Not to mention, I have mad DDR skills! Bwahahaha!" He bellowed. Roy sighed.

"I didn't wanna have to do this pride...but it seems I have no choice." Roy said, and he stepped off the DDR mat, "I'll be right back."

Roy left the stadium and walked down the hall. He knew what he had to do. He needed to win this competition. For the soda-jedis. For Dewi. For the love of all pepsi everywhere. Roy needed to bribe slinko!

Roy walked over to a corner where a small blond girl wearing a naruto headband was typing on a laptop. Roy cleared his throat. She looked up.

"What?" slinko asked

"If I bribe you...will you let me beat pride at DDR?" asked Roy ," Colonels get paid alot of money."

Slinko smirked and replied,

"The monkeys paw" she said, and with that, she dissapeared. Roy threw his arms in the air. He caught them and twisted them back on.Roy put his head in his hands. His last hope had dissapeared. But wait! She had told him something before she poofed away! she said the monkys paw! Roy had read that story! Wait...what did the monkeys paw have anything to do with pepsi? Roy sighed and just collapsed. He went down in a peaceful slumber. I'm gonna go to my friend sharis house later today!

Meanwhile at edward...

Ed had abandoned breda. He tried to explain the whole 'fanfiction' concept. But breda just couldn't understand. Ed began to search around for Al some more. He put his head in his hands.

"Oh my god al...where did you get off to?" he groaned.

Meanwhile at Al...

Al walked into the soda jedi room. He lifted off his head and reveiled that he was actually human all along. He took off the rest of the armour and walked over to the sprite jedi.

"Excuse me? Master O'cke? I'm ready to continue my training as a Root beer jedi." Al said. The sprite jedi turned around and looked at al. This jedi was actually a girl. Wow. Go figure. I'm putting a girl in a fanfic. Call the media. Anyways, she had short hair that she had dyed to be lime green. She also wore the traditional soda jedi outfit.

"We cannot train now my young apprentice. Because now...the Fanta has destroyed the pepsi jedi." she said serisoly staring at the cylinder shaped sand squid. Al gasped.

"NOT THE PEPSI JEDI!!!" Al screamed in sheer horror. And he almost wet his pants. but not really. but what if he did? OOh! A penny!

Master O'cke looked down at her feet in sadness.

"I'm afraid he has lost the battle against the fanta. There is nothing we can do." she said. Al shook his head.

"NO! There must be SOME way to save the alliance of the soda!" Al begged. O'cke sighed.

"There is ONE way... it involves...the Pepsi jedis reincarnation...Edward Elric..."

Al gasped.

"BUT! Ed doesn't even know about the soda jedis! I've never told him about the secret of the soda!!! He's never even HELD a soda-saber before!! And what exactly do you mean by reincarnation?" Pondered Al.

"Well, years ago, the pepsi jedi realized that he would need someone to assure the safety of the empire when he died. So, he sealed some of his pepsi-power inside of a young child named Ed. Ed probably dosen't remember this...but it happened...and now it is time for Ed to protect the kingdom as the second coming of the pepsi!!!!!" Ranted O'cke.

Al nodded his head in understanding.

"I see. But who will train him to wield a soda-saber?" Al asked.

O'cke looked at Al for a moment, and then answered.

"You."

* * *

**This second half of this chapter almost makes it sound serious. ALMOST.**

**go reveiw you filthy snarf-toads. **


	8. Al explains alot of useless crap

**whoa! An update! get in the car!  
**

* * *

Edward Elric was walking through centrel HQ looking for Al again. It wasn't going so well. He had already got hit in the face with three frogs. Goddamn frogs. Anyways, edward was searching for Al, when he walked past a closet. He normally just passed by the closet without thinking. I mean, it wasn't a particularly NICE closet. But this closet was different, because this closet had someone inside of it, and that someoen grabbed Ed by the pony tail and pulled him inside the closet. Ed screamed like a little girl. 

"Ed." said the person who dragged him into the closet, "i have to tell you something."

Ed frowned.

"who are you? Where's the light in here? Oh there it is." And Ed tirned on the light and saw something that he never thought he would ever see again.

He saw Alphonse elric as a human being. Ed eyes filled with tears of joy. Al rolled his eyes.

" don't cry Ed. this is serious. I've always had my body." he said. Ed was about to cry but then he stopped abrutly.

"wait... what'd you say?" he asked.

"Um...I said that i've always had my body..." Al mumbled. Ed turned beet red. His eye twitched.

"WHADDAYA MEAN YOU'VE ALWAYS HAD YOU'RE BODY?!?!? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SOONER?!" ed screamed rather loudly.

Al quickly covered his mouth.

"Nii-san!!! SHUT UP!!" he ordered. Ed obeyed. Al slowly removed his hand from his brothers mouth.

"Ed...The world is in danger. And only you can save it. For thousands of years, Fanta-lords and Pepsi jedis have been at war. And recently, a pepsi jedi was killed by a fanta-lord. That pepsi Jedis name...was Colonel Roy Mustang." Finished Al. Eds jaw dropped.

"Roy...? Dead? pepsi? me? CORN?!" Questioned Ed nervously. Al nodded sadly. Ed looked down at the ground and seemed as if he was going to be sick.

"Al...how am **I** going to help save the world from the fanta lords...? I mean...I don't know ANYTHING about...well...pepsi." said Edo-kun, but then suddenly he remembered back to the previous chapters when Roy was talking about Pepsi. "oh my god...Roy was trying to teach me about pepsi...and I ignored him...I...I can't beileve myself i'm so...wait a minute...did you say PEPSI?" Ed asked getting a little skeptical. Al sighed.

"yes. I said PEPSI...I know that you probably think it's just some random stupid company. But it's not. And you need to become a pepsi Jedi to save the world!" Al explained. Ed fornwed and looked thoughtufl for a moment.

"But I LIKE fanta. "

Al slapped him in the face.

"DON'T SPEAK SUCH EVIL, NII-SAN!" he slapped him again.

"OKAY OKAY! FINE! geez...But who's gonna teach me about...pepsi?" he asked , getting rather annoyed with the stupidity of this fanfic. I'm having some spider-man macaroni for lunch today:)

"I'm going to. And you're going to learn how to use the power of pepsi, At the soda jedi academy of doom!" He excalimed loudly.

"Of doom...?"

Al sighed.

"Yes. It seriously is called the Jedi academy of DOOM...I really don't understand why but...But anyways! Lets go! We can take Roys old Diet Pepsi/mentos jetpack to get to the academy!" He exclaimed flarpaly.

And with that...they strapped some diet pepsi/mentos jetpacks onto themselves and **flew away**!!!!!! Into the **abyss**!!!! Cuz they **want to**! and **yeah!**

* * *

**The next chapter, we'll get a peek into what goes down at the Soda jedi academy of doom and who works there. :)**

**Update or else I'll suck your eyeballs straight out of your sockets!**


	9. Sari, Shari, Magi, harriet, and ur mom

**Sweet Jesus! I made a mistake in this fanfic: No! I made TWO mistakes! (has a seizure)**

**A-hem...anyways, I noticed that originally it was HAVOC whom was gonna play DDR. Not Roy. But...um...uh..Havoc..uh...FAINTED! yeah. He fainted in-between chapters and then Roy took over. -,- yeaaaaaah. (shifty eyes)**

**As for mistake numbo two, in the previous chapter I told my reveiwers to "Update" when I ment to tell them to "reveiw". I COULD go back and fix this buuuuut...**

**I'm to damn lazy.**

**Disclaimer: Fanta...or pepsi?...Only YOU can decide.**

* * *

Ed and Al arrived at the Soda jedi academy of Doom in little to no time flat. When they got there, they did a lil' dance! It went somthin' like dis! (does lil dance). But that's beside the point. God, I love the word point. Point, point point. Ever notice how if you say a word enough, it doesn't even sound like a word anymore? Like Gum. Gum, gum, gum. gumgumgumgumgum! I need a life... 

Ed looked up at the building and Gasped. It was, to say the least, very large. On the front of the building above the doors, a sign hung that read "Welcome to the Soda Jedi Academy of Doom!" The sign was beautiful. So beautiful in fact, that Edward Was about to burst into tears. But Al dragged him away. So he couldn't. Ha ha. Stupid Edward.

Anyways, Al dragged Ed up to the Front doors and Pulled them open. As Ed was Dragged into the building, he thought that he saw Miniature Pepsi cans for door Handles. But then again, Ed also though that he saw that one rabid platypus weasel last christmas. Remember that? Gah...that was great. Magical really. My jaw feels funny. It's really annoying.

Eventually, they got to a large room full of Soda Jedis battling with different varieties of Soda. And stuff. Al looked at his watch.

"Oooooh Belgium." He swore, "I have to go."

"What am I supposed to do while your gone?" Ed asked frustrated. Al frowned.

"Ummm...go over there." he said pointing to a group of Soda Jedis whom where all taking a break from battling, "Tell them that Alphonse wants them to teach you the basics."

Ed rolled his eyes.

"The BASICS? Please, Al. Spare me. I went through training with Izumi. How HARD could it possibly be?"

Al sighed.

"Just do it? Or else I'll tell everyone about the scrambled egg incident." He ordered. Edward gasped.

"You wouldn't DARE."

"Oh, but I would." said Al, begining to pull a picture of something involving eggs out of his pocket. Ed's eyes shrank.

"Okay okay fine!" he said, and then mumbled "communist" under his breath.

* * *

Meanwhile at a group of Soda Jedis... 

"Andthenwhentheyallthoughtthatthegiantgorrilahadleftforgooditsuddenlyjumpedoutoftheotherguysearandatethemall!BWHAHAAHAHAHA!" ranted one of the soda jedis.

"Shut up Sari." ordered another one. Sari frowned and stuck out her tongue.

"Hye guys! Guess what!" another one randomly squeeled. They all looked at her.

"What?" They asked in unison. The girl squeed.

"JACK!" she proclaimed. A blonde boy rolled his eyes.

"You're so obsessed." he pointed out. Shari growled.

"Yeah!? well what about YOU?! YOU just took 15 minutes to tell us what you and Hariet did last night in incrediblely detailed...um...detail!!" shari spat. The blonde boy giggled.

"Hee hee. It was fun." he mumbled.

"I liked the part when we--"began Harriet, but she was cut off by Ed.

"Hey! Alphonse sent me to you guys so I could learn the basics." he said, "My name is Edrwad Elric and I'm gonna be a poke'mon master! Wait...no i'm not...nevermind. The important bit if that my name is Ed."

The girl who was ranting earlier jumped over to him.

"HI! MY NAMES SARI IMMORTAL GOD OF ALL THING PORK!!!!!" she exclaimed loudly and obnoxiously. Sari had blonde hair, hazel eyes, and purple glasses. HOLY SHIT I NEED A CELL PHONE!

"I'm Harriet! And I used to be madly in love with you! but that's beside the point." she said happily. Then she getured to the blonde boy.

"This is Jay. He's sexy!"

Jay nodded in agreement.

"damn straight i am."

another girl rolled her eyes.

"I'm Magi. And this is Shari." she said pointing at shari obnoxiosuly.

Ed sighed. He would never remember all these names.

"Okay...Well I need help with...um...pepsi...?" he said, slightly confused.

"okay, But we need to get you a soda saber first." snarfed harriet snarfishly.

"CAN I HELP HIM CHOOSE ONE HARRIET?!?OH PLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASE!!!!" sari screamed, practically deafening harriet.

Shari shook her head.

"No Turk (its a nickname) you may not."

Sari (Turk) pouted.

"I'll help Ed get a sodasaber" Jay offered.

Everyone decided that this was a good idea for some obscure reason. Maybe they were on crack or something. oh well.

But before they left, harriet talked with Jay about something.

Jay grabbed Ed by the wrist.

"Come on. Lets go. If we're not back by lunch, harriet says that i get no sex tonight." he whined.

Ed frowned and he mumbled "ew"

AND THUS THE WONDERFUL ADVENTURES OF EDWRAD ELRIC, PEPSI JEDI EXTRODINAIRE BEGIN!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!! HDSHRJZHESDJTYFDUTHIORDHYFUYIUFOVYRDOPTVUDXORISEDO3ZA[QWRC[RYJICUBIOJ KECVHSOCRWOWE[C5KICTSDUPYORDP!!!!!WHAT IF GORILLA WERE TO EAT OTTERS TO GETY THEIR DAILY VITAMINS?!?! HUH?!?!? HUH?!?!? WHAT WOULD HAPPEN!?!?!/ MASS CHAOS THAT'S WHAT!!!! LIFE WOULD CEASE TO EXSIST IN ALL STATES EXCEPT FOR KENTUCKY!! WHY?!?!? BECAUSE KENTUCKY IS **MAGICAL** DAMNIT!

* * *

**i feel very calm today.**


	10. shopping

**I just realized how much of a lazy bastard i am. XD oh well. Anyways...moop

* * *

**

Jay dragged Ed into a small store labeled "Soda Sabers, for all your soda needs".

Ed looked around the store. He noted that it seemed to resemble ollivanders wand shop. But instead of wands, there were soda cans. Ed scratched his head in confusion. Jay looked behind the counter impatiently. He frowned and rang a little bell.

Five minutes passed and still nobody came. Jay sighed and continued ringing the bell.

Eventually, a man ran over to the two blondes. (OMFG! I JUST NOW REALIZED THAT THEIR BOTH BLONDE!!!)

The man smiled weakly.

"I'm so sorry I took so long. I was...um...fixing...something..." he said, trying to cover up the fact that he had been looking at porn on deviantart.

Jay rolled his eyes.

"We all know that you were looking at porn on deviantart, porkhead. But that's beside the point. Edward here, needs a pepsi saber." jay said, annoyed. Ed then decided that he should probably get this walrus out of his sock.

Porkhead's eyes narrowed.

"A PEPSI saber? Surely he's not...?"

Jay sighed.

"Hurry and get us one or else I'll start telling perverted sex jokes." Jay threatened. Porkhead and Edward both gasped at the same time.

" Okay! okay! I'll...I'll get your pepsi saber..." he mumbeld, walking away. Edward looked around at the store again.

"Uh...Jay? How exactly am i supposed to learn how to use a ...um...soda saber?" Ed asked, still not able to get over the fanfics stupidity. Jay smiled.

"Al will be teaching you. With the help of me and crew." he explained. Ed nodded and then slinko decided to go update on of her other fanfics.

DAYS pass...

But then Onesong05 tells her to update Roys Pepsi. And she does. But she probably won't be putting up the new chapter for another ten years so you shouldn't keep your fingers crossed.

Porkhead walked back to Ed and Jay holding a small cylinder like metaly thing. Porkhead slowly set it down In front of Edward. A mysterious wind blew even thourgh they were all inside.

Ed slowly reached his hand towards the saber. He picked it up. It was very light. He threw it from one hand to another.

Ed smirked.

"I like dis thingay." he said. Porkhead looked at Jay with a "wtf?" look. Jay just shurgged.

"Well Ed. We'd better get going. I only have 15 more minutes until no sex." Jay said, pointing to his watch. Ed tried not to barf at Jays pervyness. Jay handed Porkhead some money and they left.

Ed put the saber in his coat pocket. Jay pointed to a shop.

"Now you have to go buy a soda-jedi outfit. They're right in that shop. Here's the money. I have to go now so I trust you to buy your own crap" Jay said. Ed looked down at the money.

"How much should I pay them?" he asked.

"Just give it all to them. After all, It's magis money so there will be no great loss." Jay said. Ed nodded and began to walk into the shop.

"Farewell dear friend!" Jay said, and he took out an umbrella, opened it, lifted it into the air, and flew away.

Sadly, Ed didn't notice this magical exit, seeing as how he was already inside the clothes shop thingy.

Ed looked around the shop, got bored of that, and then walked to the front counter.

"HEY! ANYBODY HOME?" he shouted, rather rudely. Neji is hot.

A man who appeared to be in his late ten thousands walked over. He was wearing a bright purple cloak and sipping some grape soda.

"Hello. My name is Joopy Bumblebug and I am not a child molester." Pointed out Joopy Bumblebug. Eds eyes glanced over all possible exits.

"That's...um...good to know..." he replied.

Joopy Bumblebug grinned widely and got right up in Edwards face. Ed backed away a little.

"What do you want dear child?" he asked.

"Uh...I'm here to...to buy a...a soda-jedi outfit" stuttered Ed. Joopy Bumblebug laughed.

"HAHAHA! okay, come this way." he said, walking into another room.

Ed sighed and followed him into the room.

* * *

**Whoever can tell me what other fanfic Joopy Bumblebug appeared in will get a magical sock. **

** Um...MOOP!**

** Review or die.  
**


	11. Tuna boy vs Pirate tree

**La vie boheme!!!!**

shut up RENT is cool.

* * *

Edward walked out of the Soda-jedi clothes shop with a horrifyied expression on his face. He was also wearing his new clothes which consisted of the Jedi outfit that can be seen in Soda Wars. Except for the small fact that the whole outfit was Red and blue with the pepsi logo on the back. 

As Ed searched around for the Sosa Jedi academy of Doom, he noticed that many people were stepping out of his way and all the little kids were being all like "ZOMG."

Ed, being Ed, found the attention irresistible and he jumped on top of a car and threw his arms in the air. Suddenly, the rolling stones came out of the car looking pissed.

"Hey man, that's our car!" complained Mcjagger. Ed frowned and looked quizzical, then a little alchemy symbol lit up above his head.

"WELL, being a Pepsi jedi, I order you to play a wicked crazy party song for me to dance around to!" Ed shouted. Mcjagger was all like "HELLZ YESH!" and the Rolling Stones began to rock out.

Meanwhile at the seven deadly sins...

Lust put on an eyepatch to finish her pirate costume while envy and gluttony approuched her in full pirate outfits.

Envy smirked.

"LETS GET THIS THING OVER WITH!" envy exclaimed.

"YEAH!" lust and Gluttony exclaimed at the same time.

Just then, Greed walked over, seemingly to spoil their fun. But no. Oh no. Instead, Greed jumped in the air and flailed his arms about.

"DA WOOT!!!" he screeched, and the four of them ran off into the sunset yelling things like "Prasie be ta fanta!"

Meanwhile at Edward...

Currently, Edward was doing an activity that I plan to do before I die.

He was breakdancing on top of a car in a tuna costume. The crowd was wildly cheering him on.

Edward began to spin on his head like a madman. Once he fell, he turned to the crowd and screamed while headbanging.

Imagine this reader.

Imagine it.

Are you done?

Good...Now then...

Wasn't that glorious.

I demand fanart from those of you whom are skilled at drawing.

ANYWAYS, once the crowd started really getting into it, a soda saber was thrown at Eds head. Unfortunetly, Ed ducked just in time.

"HOLY GINNY KISSING HARRYS!" ed screamed and he turned to look at who had thrown the saber at him. It was none other than Envy! And for some obscure reason, he was wearing a pirate outfit.

Wally Goofadoof, whom was standing in the crowd turned to his wife.

"A tuna versus a pirate palm tree? Is it just me or did this fanfic just get stupider?" Wally asked, but his wife was to busy ignoring him to notice.

Wally sighed. His life sure did suck.

Envy jumped up on the car and pointed another fanta saber at Ed. ED screamed like a little girl and whipped out his brand new pepsi saber.

Envy laughed. Ed looked down at his pepsi saber to discover that it was not on.

Ed smacked himself in the face and pressed the red button that would turn on his saber. In the time it took for Ed to turn on his saber, Envy attemtped to cut his head off but Edward once again ducked.

"Ha! Missed me!" Ed taunted. Envy smirked evilly.

"I wasn't aiming for your head, dipshit." Envy sneered. Ed continued grinning until a horrible reality set in.

Slowly, cautiously, Edward Elric turned around and peered towards the ground where he knew a horrid fate would lay.

Eds eyes filled with tears as he stared at what had gotten him through so many years of searching for the stone. He looked at what had kept his energy up. At what had always put a smile on his face.

Edward kneeled down to check it's vital signs, hoping that somehow it had survived. Envys bitter laugh tore a hole in Edwards heart as he caressed it in his hands. The sun gently danced on it, reflecting golden rays on Eds distraught face.

Edward dropped it and slowly turned towards Envy with hatred in his eyes. It was clear that soon, Envy would be nothing more than a small pile of guts and palm leaves. Ed walekd straight up to envy and stared him in the eye. His shoulders were slightly trembling and tears were streaming down his young face.

He once again drew out his Pepsi saber and pointed it at Envy. Envys laughter stopped and he too readyed his weapon.

"Lets dance" Ed whispered. Envy smirked.

They both lept into battle at the same time and began to fight.

Envy would not escape this attack.

After all, Nobody buts off Edward Elrics braid.

Nobody.

* * *

**I KILLED EDS BRAID!!!! I'M A MURDERER!!!! **

And Not even I know why I put the homunculi in pirate clothes.

So don't ask.

* * *


End file.
